Category: Initial post

It’s 3:15am and I can’t sleep.

This is the first night since Ivan died that I haven’t been able to sleep. Not sure why.

Well, actually, that may not be entirely true. I do have a tendency, now, to nod off while I’m watching something on the computer, here in the living room. I blink, then realize that I haven’t opened my eyelids, and go with that for however long, until I startle myself awake.

Well, then I’m done for the next little while. But tonight, I didn’t fall asleep, in fact, I went to bed too soon, I think. I was kind of sleepy, but not really sleepy, and I think that’s what caused me to “get my second wind” as Ivan used to say.

That is so annoying, I can’t say it. And I can’t figure out how to decrease the light emitting from this tv, it is so bright. Oh, did I mention I’m relearning how to use a PC? I’ve used my iPad Pro, and iPad ProMax for so long I’ve forgotten how to use a PC. I’m learning, slowly.

I’m going to watch a bit of who knows what, and go back to bed. See you in the next post.

Until next time, stay happy, and healthy in the Lord.

I found the best recipe, for me, for “crackers”.

No, they’re not crackers as you’re used to crackers. They aren’t like Saltines, or Ritz crackers, but they’re delicious just the same. In fact they have a consistency similar to a shortbread cookie, though not sweet. The recipe is by Arman Liew, of Bigmansworld.com.

It has 2 ingredients, almond flour, and cheddar cheese, though it also requires a pinch of salt, and I add 1/4 tsp. flax seeds. He has an alternative to the cheese, which is to add 1 egg, and 1 T. melted coconut oil. I tried that first, forgetting that I had cheddar cheese in the fridge. Trust me when I tell you the cheese version is so much better.

The recipe is simple, just blitz it all up in the food processor, spread it between 2 pieces of parchment paper, roll it out, bake it, and enjoy. I’ll let you look up the full recipe if you’re interested.

Until next time, stay happy, and healthy in the Lord.

Mine has changed dramatically since I have stopped eating wheats, grains, and sugar.

It may not seem like much, but I have found that instead of printing out all of the recipes I want to try, I have started to write them on paper, by hand.

It’s a novel idea, in this day, and age, but nevertheless, it’s what I’ve taken to doing. And my letters are completely different than in any time in my past. The words are legible, and uniform. I honestly don’t remember a time when my penmanship was uniform. Silly though it may be to you, it has shown me the evil hold that sugar, especially, then wheat, then grains, has had on me.

Speaking of being free from the aforementioned, I find that I have very little appetite, TYJ, and that I don’t have to stuff myself to keep sated until the next time I eat. I stop eating, frequently, about 6pm, and don’t eat again until at least noon. I plan what I’m going to have for my brunch, go about my morning habits, prayer, exercise, morning ablutions, well, you get the idea. I’m content to wait until after my first walk, wherever that takes me, to then prepare, and eat finally.

It has only been 4 days, but I feel so different, so less stressed about what to eat next, when to eat next, to make sure I eat enough to last until the next meal. I feel lighter, less dense. It sounds crazy, I know, I just reread what I typed, but it’s true. I thought I wouldn’t be able to give up those types of food that I do so enjoy, but I have. I’m changing from the inside out, and I can’t wait to tell you all of the wonderful things I feel.

Until next time, stay happy, and healthy in the Lord.

He talks to me.

In the thunder. And has for weeks now. Even before he died.

We have had nightly rain, and thunderstorms for weeks now, easily 8 weeks. So, some of the lightening, and the following thunder, has been significant. When we’ve had exceptional thunder, Ivan would ask me, from across the hall, “Did you call down the thunder?” I’d answer that “Absolutely. It’s to tell you that I love you.” “I love you too” he’d answer.

There have been many thunderstorms since he left me, but whenever I hear the thunder, I know we’re having the same, short, but important conversation. Yes, my love, I love you.

Thank God for the thunder.

Until next time, stay happy, and healthy in the Lord.

Post script: Find some way to communicate with your love, your best friend, so you’re never alone after they’re gone.

Post post script: it’s 9/16/25, and it has rained, with thunder, every night since Ivan died. Just thought you might be interested to know that. ❤️‍🩹

Now that was an experience, I’m here to tell you.

The administrator of the condo we live in, Ivonne, has been my saving grace. She came up the morning Ivan passed away, called the police, helped me make all of the arrangements for his cremation, etc. I couldn’t have done any of that. She stayed with me throughout the investigation of what proceeded Ivan’s death, what happened, what medications he was taking, who prescribed them, etc. It took about 30 minutes.

My brain was in a fog, my heart was bleeding out, and my husband was still sitting in his chair, in the bedroom, cold, and still. I covered him with a sheet, only to his chin, though. I wanted to see his face as long as I could. Every few minutes I went back, scolded him for leaving me too soon, kissed the top of his head, and hugged him to my breast.

I kept hoping he’d open his eyes, and tell me he was kidding.

He didn’t.

Today, Ivonne took me to a small mall about 5 km from the condo, up to the 2nd floor, to an outdoor kiosk where I gave the young man the copy of the paperwork I received from the coroner, when he told me he needed $90MXN for each copy. In total, it was $450MXN. In my billfold I had $470MXN. The extra $20 I used for the parking. I had exactly the amount of money I needed.

So, now I have 5 copies of the death of my best friend but no best friend.

Until next time, stay happy, and healthy in the Lord.

I have the cleanest living space as ever I’ve had.

Void of life.

I’m trying to clean areas, fix things that have been “on the list” for some time, and I’m making a dent.

Then I remember that it’s never going to change. It will be forever this way as it’s just me.

I would rather have a messy apartment, with my live soulmate, than a clean, soulless apartment.

I have fewer meltdowns, and a few more times of less despair, and, I also see a light at the end. I trust in the Lord, and know that He, too, is with me, along side my beloved, my best friend. I know that they are an unbeatable team that are going to stay by my side while I work through this.

Then, there are my sisters, Martha, and Nancy. What a dynamic duo they are!! They have been texting me several times a day, to make sure I’m ok. I’ll never be ok again, but you know what I mean. I thank God for them all day long.

I have no appetite whatsoever but I force myself to eat twice a day. It’s not much right now, but I do what I can.

Until next time, stay happy, and healthy in the Lord.

I can hear him calling my name.

I know he’s not here, physically, with me, but this used to happen when he was here. I’d be in the kitchen, and have to stop what I was doing to go back to the second bedroom that he used as his “office”, to find out what he needed.

He hadn’t called me.

But, I heard him call my name.

I wish he were still here to call my name hundreds of times a day.

Until next time, stay happy, and healthy in the Lord.

My love, you won’t see this, unless you read over my shoulder.

Right now, I think you just might be there.

I hear you all day, every day, calling out to me, calling my name, shuffling your way to the bathroom, and back to your chair. It ended up making me upset when you’d call me to watch a silly “short” video on YouTube about every 20 minutes, but NOW?

Come back to me, and I’ll watch all of the videos you want me to.

I miss you so much.

Happy birthday my love. I know you’re where you need to be, free of all your horrible demons. I’m glad you’re at peace, finally.

I miss you.

Until next time, stay happy, and healthy in the Lord.

I have waited 36 hours to start my healthy gut routine.

I have “the book”, the actual physical book, Super Gut, by William Davis, MD who is a preventative cardiologist, and has written a plethora of books on the human microbiome, and it’s affects on our health, and well being.

I’m looking forward to feeling better, having pain-free energy, and all of the benefits that come with having healthy gut flora, (the list of which is incredible). I’ve been wanting to do this for about 10 years now.

I made what’s called L. Reuteri yogurt, though it’s not really a yogurt; it’s actually a fermented dairy product. If you don’t have someone that can give you a half cup of their LR, you’ll have to buy it from a health food store, or on our friendly website Amazon. What you want, however, is a specific strain of LR which is DSM17938, with ATCC PTA 6475. The rest, how you make the yogurt, and use it, you’ll need to research it yourselves as I’m not going to put it all here.

My first batch separated terribly, so I ended up discarding it. DON’T DO THAT. Separation is very normal on the first few batches, so don’t freak out. Put it in the fridge, then come back to it later with a stick blender, blend it up, pour a half cup in a glass, (you only need to drink 1/2 c. daily), add something to flavor it, (or don’t, your call), and drink the stuff. It tastes very sour, but I plan on adding a bit of liquid Stevia to it to help with that. When I consider the myriad health benefits coming, I’ll drink a bit of sour everyday. Hell, I used to drink a half bottle of tequila every day, and look where that got me.

So, I’ll keep a record of how I’m feeling before starting this, and what changes over the next few weeks.

Until next time, stay happy, and healthy in the Lord.

Post script: I’m going to post at 0700 M-W-F for awhile, as most folks that read this, my 2 sisters, and 1 or 2 former coworkers, are all retired and don’t have to get up at 0600 anymore. Enjoy.

I’m here.

Managing.

Taking my enforced widowhood day by day.

I’ll start posting again on 10/1/25. The first 1/2 of October’s posts are mourning, but then, you’ll see, I’m coming out on the other side.

Stay with me. There’s the whole rest of my life to come.

Until then, stay happy, and healthy in the Lord.